A Solo Mom's Guide To Parenting Without Regret w/J. Rosemarie

Jennifer Francis (00:00.034)

What do you feel when you look at your adult children and do you feel responsible for the actions of your older children? And further to that, how much pleasure and appreciation do you feel for those moments when your children make you proud?

The other day I had a very interesting conversation with a young lady. It was after church and I was sitting around with all these, this youth group from church, my son's youth group, and I...

Introduced myself to this woman and she asked me a question She knew my son and she asked me a question after we had a conversation about me being a solo mom and moving around as a digital nomad and she asked me when you look at your son when you look at your children do you feel proud of what you've done and

It had me thinking a bit because I've thought about this a lot of times and no, oftentimes I don't feel proud of what I've done. Many solo moms can relate to this, that you feel like you screwed up your kids' lives and am I doing it right? Did I make the right decisions? And we questioned ourselves along the way. But my base answer to this

young lady was. I'm not responsible for a lot of what happened to my children. I often get complimented about what a good job I did with them. But if I'm being honest, I had to give up total control to God to raise my children because as a black mom in America raising black sons, life was challenging.

Jennifer Francis (02:24.75)

And it was challenging enough without having those demographics in the mix. And so I had to give up control of raising my two youngest sons because this is when I became aware. With my first son, I wasn't aware of much. I was 23, married at 20, and life was a lot more complicated because I didn't know what I was doing. None of us knew what we were doing.

And so I learned some lessons that I was able to apply to raising my two youngest boys. And so, no, I don't feel responsible now that I look back. I am not totally responsible for how they were raised and how they turned out. And they will tell you that I influenced the way they think and they'll repeat certain things to me.

So I want to, you know, talk about a couple of things from this. One, someone once said that if we think we are the reason our children turn out the way they did, we should stop thinking that way. Because one, we're not that powerful. And two, they are not that weak. So the

The lesson I got from that was that we're not, although we influence them and the Bible does say, train up a child in the way he should go and when he's old, he will not depart. But really and truly, they, when they become adults, have the choice to choose what to do and how to do it. They can choose your teaching.

or they could choose to go their own way. And so I want you, if you're thinking that you're gonna mess up your kid's lives, to stop thinking that way and do your best. Because, real and truly, that's all you can do, your best. The second thing I wanna talk about is that if you're still going through raising those children, have some faith to believe that

Jennifer Francis (04:52.492)

you're not alone in your journey. It may feel that way. I remember it felt lonely at times. It felt dark. felt, you know, you feel useless and you look at those children and you're thinking, what am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. How am I going to do this? Those are common questions, but find a way to

examine your faith and your beliefs because there's a couple of ways you can get help and get the support that you need and desire. And one is trusted in God. Trust that God will take care of you and guide you. You know, when my kids were about maybe five and seven, I mean, I was desperate. I was just, it was awful. You know, I've

talk about this a lot of times but I was so desperate I was wondering how I could safely kill myself and make sure they were okay and I thought about it so many times but I got to a place where I said you know Lord these are your children you gave them to me and you have to take care of them because I can't

And what I did, I took them to church and I dedicated them at an older age, because I didn't dedicate them as babies. And I dedicated them to God. And I held that, I held onto that all throughout to their teenage years, through all the years, even now, I still remind God that those children are His, not mine. And if you could hang on to that, even a small bit of that.

it will help you to parent in love and parent from a place of love. The second thing is that find someone, even one person, a family member, a friend, who you can, you know, talk to, you know, flesh things out with and talk to somebody who has your best interests at heart. And you know who does. It's not always mom or dad. Well,

Jennifer Francis (07:18.348)

Most times it's that I'm sure, but it's not always your best friend. Find somebody you trust and somebody you can rely on. If you can't do it as a personal thing, you probably can find a mentor, somebody in your workplace who could be a mentor that you could talk to from a professional point of view without going into all your personal life, but that will help you.

Because that's something I've done. I've sought out mentors in the workplace because I was having so much difficulty at work as a single mom and so that helped me. The other thing you could try is join a community whether online or in person or start your own community. If you live in a homeowner's association there may be meetings.

There are different ways and places you could find that one person who you can connect with that can be an enhancement to your life. So check out those ideas and see if you can find somebody if that's what you think you want and need. Or if you want, you could reach out to me, my contacts below. could chat. No problem. All right.

Finally though, I want to say that there are many times that I talk to my children and I feel pride. I feel a sense of pride in how they've turned out, in what they're doing. My oldest son gave me three grandchildren and I'm still mad at them about that by the way. No, I'm just kidding. Three beautiful grandchildren and

You know, whenever I see something in them, something that they're doing, for example, the other day we were coming from church and my son, we stopped to get food and my son just asked, what do you want mom? And I just told him what I want. And it was ordered and paid for. And you know, when you've struggled as a mom, as a solo mom,

Jennifer Francis (09:39.542)

and they get to be adults and you see that and you experience that. I can't tell you what it feels like. And if you haven't experienced it, you will, you will one day. And it's just an amazing feeling because you go back over your life and thank God that you didn't do the wrong thing.

because there were some decisions that I could have made that that situation, that scene with my son buying me food would not have happened had I made those decisions. So I hope this little pep talk helped you and reach out to me if you wanna talk. I'm here for you because you're not alone.

Thank you.