Expert Tips On Caring For Older Adults w/Mercedes Fernandez

J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (00:00) My guest today is Mercedes Fernandez Welcome to Solomons Talk Mercedes. Mercedes (00:08) Hello, thank you so much for having me, J. Rosemary. I'm very grateful to be here. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (00:13) Absolutely. So before I get into before we get into the discussion of what you do, could you tell us who is Mercedes? Mercedes (00:27) Yes, of course. I am Mercedes Fernandez and I am a geriatric kinesiologist from California. I have been working with older adults because I was very close with my grandfather and he played a very big part of who I am and what I do now. And I think the biggest part of me is I have this empathy and this really deep compassion to help others see. the importance of working with older adults and the beauty of being with an aging adult. And that's my gift to the world. I want to help share that and bring some light. There. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (01:09) Okay, all right. So as we go forward, can you tell us, share with us what lesson you learned from having an aging adult family member close by? Mercedes (01:31) Yes, I think that the, you know, that's a juicy question first and foremost. There's so many lessons that come with that. I myself am relatively still young, I guess you can say. But like I said, I grew up with my grandfather from a very early age. My mother was ill when she had me. So my grandfather stepped in and because of that bond, I think what I learned so much was You know, as I grew up with someone who I didn't see as old or aged, and he was like my father, what I've learned along the way going through college and going through my life events is that there's so much... unconditional love and you know you have your ups and your downs when you're with a with a family member who's aging and when it came his time for me to take care of him our roles reversed you know I learned that love that compassion that care that he had for me was there for me to reciprocate always had been and you know learning what it's like to see someone who has cared for you is really shows you the way that we as humans evolve and kind of go back to that infant stage and need the same love, the same care when we were babies. And for me, I think that's my what's my biggest lesson was, you know, aside from the hardship with the medical system and all of the paperwork and the miscommunications with scheduling and the doctor's appointments and the medicine. Yes, you have all of that craziness, but at the end of the day, it's a beautiful experience. I think the lesson is seeing the cyclical event of being an infant and kind of going through adulthood and going back to infancy. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (03:14) Mm-hmm. Yeah, full circle, huh? Mercedes (03:32) Yeah. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (03:34) Yeah, I can totally relate because I was raised by my grandfather from the time I was nine months old. And he died in my arms when he was 75. So yeah, I can I can totally relate to that. Yeah. And I'm also involved in the, you know, assisting a 19 year, 90 year old uncle. So Mercedes (03:45) Mm. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (04:04) you know, I think this is a very timely topic for us. So what are some of the, give us three things that could prepare us to take care of somebody or assist in the care of someone in a, doesn't have to be a family member, actually. Could be anyone who is close to us, may need care. Mercedes (04:05) Hmm Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (04:31) What are some of the tips you could give to family members who are dealing with that or facing that right now? Mercedes (04:40) Absolutely. I think what I often find or what I've learned along the way and I've had family members close to me and friends and clients who have taken on this journey, I think it's really important for anyone who's going through this to remember that it is in fact a very, it is a, I don't like to say a job like a bad way, but it is taxing and there's a lot of work and while we... The one who is taking care most of the time we are in deeply are caregivers naturally. While we want to help, while we want to be there and support and do the best that we can and extend ourselves, it is something to just be mindful of how much it will take an effect on your life, your body, your daily routines will change. And that's not to scare anyone, but to have the mindfulness that When it does get overwhelming, you're not alone. It feels very isolating sometimes. It can, to feel like no one understands me. And I think oftentimes the second tip is finding a caregiver group in your area or other caregivers that you can kind of have like a coffee chat with or a decompression chat because oftentimes we need to talk to people. We need to just unload. And people who aren't caregivers will understand. And I find that that's also a very challenging part of caring for someone. So giving yourself that support from other caregivers and giving yourself that grace and the space to take care of yourself in the down times or if you can find someone to switch with you for maybe just at least 30 minutes. Those. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (06:20)

Thanks. Mercedes (06:31) Those moments are really important because if we can't, if we're, you know, if our cup isn't full, how can we care for the person that we're caring for? So it's essentially in that regard of, you know, making sure, you know, yeah, if it's your first time, keep those in mind. If it's not your first time, it's still important to interweave those tips. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (06:40) Right. Right, okay. So basically if you're the only one, especially if you're the only person or you're the go-to person for providing that care and you're doing it yourself, then you need to remember that it's serious work. It's not just, it's not play, right? It's serious work and Mercedes (07:20) Mm-hmm.

J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (07:22) to that while you're caring for that someone to remember to take care of yourself. So am I correct? Mercedes (07:33)

Yes, yes, absolutely. And the third one would be to keep, do your best to find or integrate a little habit or maybe not habit, but a little piece of self-care, they call it now, a piece of yourself that will ground you. So whether that's, you know, you used to do yoga before you started caring for someone or you used to dance once a week or, you know, exercise. finding or reading for 20 minutes, finding whatever that is for you, that is you, right? That's moment of self care and incorporating that into your care so that you don't fully lose sight of yourself. And when you have those really rough weeks, you have at least that one activity that can ground you and bring you back to a little bit of a baseline. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (08:29) Okay, so even though you know that maybe you're a full-time quote-unquote job for the foreseeable future, try to incorporate some of your old life into your new routine, right?

Mercedes (08:49) Yes, exactly. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (08:54) Okay, all right. Okay, so we talk about some, and what are some of the assistance available for someone who is in that position, who needs to take care of an elderly relative? Mercedes (09:15) Mm-hmm. Well, I think that something that I see often is again kind of going back to what I said earlier It's such a it's an over. It can be an overwhelming role where you know, we and I and I speak for myself because I Speak for myself. I You know wanted to do everything. I was in school. I had a job. I was managing my grandfather's all his appointments all his medicine He lived with me and my mother and my father at the time and so J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (09:25) Mm-hmm. Mercedes (09:45) you know, making sure he has his lunch and all of these things. My plate is full. I was wearing way too many hats. Thankfully I was a lot younger at the time so I was able to, but even then it's taxing and it's hard on our body. And so what I didn't know at the time was there are actually a lot of resources depending on where you are in the world and you're in the country, in the county where you live, depending on the health insurance. So there's so many tricky things there, but what I am seeing now, online and social media is that caregiving is really rising. And so many more people are becoming more vocal about their experience. And so what I think, again, goes back to that is it's important to not only have the social support, but look into your area and look into those available resources, because there's actually a lot of resources in your community that are overshadowed. People don't know about them. They're often, and they're often covered. They're free. So there might be an adult daycare. There might be activities for your loved one. And so just do a quick Google search. And I think that can be very helpful.

J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (10:45) Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I know that in New York, there is some kind of assistant for to have care, you know, like a medical caregivers come in and relieve the, you know, the family members or in the house with the primary care duties. And I know in England, they have some type of social medical Mercedes (11:25) Mm-hmm. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (11:31)

coverage for caregivers. And I think if I'm not mistaken, that kind of assistance or similar assistance available somewhere like Canada, I can only speak for those three places. So, but I think you're right in that there is some type of, you know, community-based or government-based, if you will, assistance available to help us, yeah. Mercedes (11:57) Mm-hmm. Absolutely, and I think something else that I've seen that I myself had tapped into

J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (12:03) Okay. Uh-huh. Mercedes (12:10) was just a quick while there's public help, there's also a lot of companies now that are, you know, in the private sector. So there's a companionship company is that you can, you pay out of pocket, but you're going to get that experience, you know, right there and then versus waiting. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (12:29)

Yeah, yeah, makes sense. Okay. All right. So you mentioned, we talked about remembering to take care of ourselves while we're giving care. And that's one of the hard things for mothers to do, especially solo mothers. And, you know, solo mothers are already overwhelmed with taking care of their own children. And to have, I remember I had a guest on and she was taking care of her children. She was taking care of her mom who had dementia. And she was also taking care of her grandmother. And that's a real, yeah, that's a really heavy space to be in. Mercedes (13:17) Wow. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (13:26) remembering your own personal routine can help, I guess, yeah.

Mercedes (13:34) Absolutely, absolutely. And these cases where there's so much, I mean, that's a lot of energy. Like you said, I think the greatest, the great word you said was heavy, right? In that regard, finding at least someone who can help for half a day would be tremendous. I can imagine just how much of a big little breath, right? Even in the morning, just like a moment, but you know, can be quite taxing. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (14:07)

Yeah, yeah definitely. All right. So I had one other point that I wanted to ask you to address is so the person who you're taking care of may not be helpless right? They're not helpless and they may be independent minded right? So you're dealing with somebody who Mercedes (14:29) Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (14:36) may not be bedridden, but their compromise, their strength or their agility is compromised. Do you have pointers on how a caregiver could navigate that? Because nobody wants to feel useless, right? Whether you're 9, 700, you don't want to feel useless. You want to still feel like you're not. Mercedes (14:48) Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (15:06) totally helpless. I mean that's how I'd feel right. I don't know what would I would be if I was you know I couldn't take care of myself. So my mindset is that I'm caring for an elderly relative person. I want to give them a little room to help themselves if they want to. You follow me? So what are some of the tips you can give? Can you address that? Mercedes (15:10) Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Absolutely. I think in such a it's a remarkable point you make because oftentimes again as a care someone who is a natural caregiver we want to help we want to help and I imagine as a mother it's oh I guess the term smothering right and I'm guilty of that because I just love to care and but it's not it's not always a bad thing right we it's out of a good comes from a good place but what to your point it's important that J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (15:55) Yeah. Hmm.

Mercedes (16:04) We are at the end of the day, we have to see the loved one we're caring for as a human who was once independent. And that is the biggest thing that I hear the most from my clients in my field is that the older adults that I work with feel, they feel smothered, they feel a little desperate that I can't drive anymore, I can't move, I can't walk up the stairs. And from there on, it's I can't, you know. we can only imagine what that feels like when a little part of our independence gets taken away, even if we're not, like you said, we're not physically bedridden or we can move a little bit. But to the point here is that giving that individual space and asking them, I think, for me, I personally love to always ask questions about their life because

J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (16:55) Mm-hmm. Mercedes (16:56) we think, you know, we've been conditioned to just kind of say, hey, how are you? How's it going? And we talk about little things here and there, but when you really ask someone who's been around for a lot longer than we have, ask, you know, what was it like when you were in your twenties? You know, what was your favorite activity? Did you play any sports? Like questions that we don't normally ask. And you'll find a lot of wisdom there because then you can incorporate that. So let's say your uncle liked to garden. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (17:07) Mm-hmm. Mercedes (17:23) It doesn't garden anymore because you can't get down on the floor. Okay, well, how about if we have the space we can we can build a little planter box together? You bring that bring a little bit of connection together. You can touch the dirt again Or someone who used to like football, you know bringing them a football and let them touch the football so giving them a little bit of that dignity back and And giving them this space giving them the space to talk about it J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (17:48)

Yeah. Mercedes (17:52) but also, I think just personal space too, right? My grandfather had a story of, he was very stubborn as well, very stubborn man, and so he would say, no, I can do it myself. And there's resistance there, but at the end, I had to just learn to just take a step back and say, okay, let him try so he feels that he can, and when he needs help. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (17:52) Yeah. Yes. Mercedes (18:18) then you can come step in. But if he's not hurting himself, just kind of watch from afar. It is hard, it's a little heartbreaking, but at the end, again, it just giving them that dignity to try because they lost that. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (18:31) Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, so no matter how well you know the person, you don't just want to just, you know, barrel your way into and just take over and, you know, because I would assume that would make them more depressed, for lack of a better word, right? Yeah. Mercedes (18:46) Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yes, absolutely. Yeah.

J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (18:58) Yeah. All right. So tell us what you do for your clients and how we can get in touch with you. Mercedes (19:06) Yes, so I am a geriatric kinesiologist or physiotherapist. And so essentially what I do for older adults is I help with mobility. That's my favorite thing in the world to do. As a kinesiologist, it's basically the study of human body movement. But what I focus on specifically is if an older adult, you've noticed your loved one changing in their walk, the way they're walking. Excuse me. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (19:36) I see somebody want to join in. Mercedes (19:37) Sorry about that. I'm apologizing. So she's being vocal now. And she, excuse me. So I help with mobility, but mostly when it comes to someone using a walker or a cane. Oftentimes, you know, we get them from the doctor, the physical therapist, or they're gifted, or we pick them up at CVS. But if you really pay attention to anyone who's using a walker or even seeing someone outside walking, the walkers are almost always not set up correctly. So for anyone listening, I encourage you to just pay attention next time to see if someone's reaching over and really hunching down to grab the handles. That's a good sign that something's a little off. So what I do is I help assess. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (20:24) Bye. Mercedes (20:31) the mobility aid that they're using. I give them tips and instructions on how best to use them. And then when it comes to adult children or anyone really who's caring for an aging loved one or who's going through this transition or a caregiver, I also help with those transitions and give some guidance and expert resources to navigate kind of what we did today. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (20:56) Okay, all right, pretty cool.

Mercedes (20:59) Yeah. And it's all virtual. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (21:04)

Yeah, well, I could see how that could be virtual. Okay. All right. And how can we get in touch with you? Give us your links and connects. Mercedes (21:14)

Of course. So you can find me at the website is movement.info. So it's movement in the French way, M-O-U-V-E-M-E-N-T dot I-N-F-O. And you'll find all these free resources on there. I have videos you can do at home. I have articles, I have podcasts that you can hear. Um, and you can find all my, my booking and everything on that one specific site. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (21:41) Okay, and what's the name of your podcast? Mercedes (21:46)

Um, well, I, I'm not, I'm just my guests, but all my, excuse me, all my episodes are on movement. So those that I have been, I had a former podcast, but right now it's, um, on hiatus. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (22:00) Okay. All right, so what is Mercedes grateful for today? Mercedes (22:12) I'm sorry, cut out.

J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (22:15) What is Mercedes grateful for today? Mercedes (22:20) Oh, sorry, thank you. Well, what I am actually most grateful for is I have been traveling, so I'm grateful that I'm here with you and I really get this opportunity to have this conversation. Like I said, my biggest thing in life, my purpose is to help people see the beauty that it is to be with an older adult, taking care of them and having that experience. So I'm very grateful that I've had this opportunity to be here and quite frankly, to be alive. Always grateful for that. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (22:51) Amen. All right. Thank you very much Mercedes Fernandez for coming and talking to us on Sola Moms Talk. Do you have a parting one last word that you want to say before you go? Mercedes (23:08) Yes, my last parting is the next time you see someone, whether that's at the grocery store or walking across the street, look at them in the eyes and smile. I don't think that we do that enough. And so I leave that with everyone today. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (23:27) Oh, all right. Thank you. I appreciate it, Team Mercedes. Mercedes (23:32) likewise. Thank you. J. ROSEMARIE (JENN) (23:35) All right.