Financial Tips For Divorced Solo Moms w/Patti Handy

J Rosemarie (00:00.842) My guest today is financial coach, Patty Handy. Welcome, Patty. Patti Handy (00:05.377) Thank you, I'm so happy to be here, I appreciate you having me. J Rosemarie (00:08.342) Yes, my pleasure. So welcome to Solomons Talk. And before we get into what you do, could you tell us who is Patty Handy? Patti Handy (00:19.085) I'm Patty Handy. First and foremost, I'm a mom. I am a single mom, divorced now a very long time. I won't count the years. But I was a former financial advisor, turned financial coach for women, focusing primarily on divorced, widowed, and single women. And my intention is to transform their finances and their life. J Rosemarie (00:41.05) Okay, thank you. So before we talk about why you got into coaching divorces or solo moms about finance, tell us a little bit about your experience in becoming a solo mom. Patti Handy (01:03.169) So I, that's a very long journey. So I had no intention of being a solo mom. I was happily married and we were trying to get pregnant for five years, actually. Finally had my son through in vitro. And then when he was 18 months old, my husband asked for a divorce. So it was somewhat of a blindsided situation. That's kind of the high level version of the story. And At the time I was working corporate banking, corporate finance, prior to having my son and I didn't wanna leave him in daycare because he already lost his dad full-time. I didn't want him to lose his mom full-time at that young tender age. So I, just little by little, step by step to taking the journey and found a career that allowed me to work at home with some flexibility and that was the mortgage industry. Had some bumps and rocks and the ups and downs and the rollercoaster we all experience and the mistakes that were made and everything else. But yeah, there's lots to say in those many years. My son is now 27, so it's been a lot of years. But yeah, that could be a whole other episode. J Rosemarie (02:22.198) Okay, I understand. Thank you and thank you for sharing. I always wanna get a little bit of personal stuff and especially when you are a solo mom because your life will resonate with someone. So thank you. So having gone through divorce myself and a solo mom, what challenge or what did you see during either your divorce or someone else's? Patti Handy (02:34.54) Yes. J Rosemarie (02:52.334)

that cause you to focus on this, you know, the finances of people, you know, women who get divorced. Patti Handy (03:03.509) Yeah. So funny story. I actually was the one in my marriage who managed the money and did the investments. And I was always comfortable in that role. And shortly after my divorce, I remember laying in a fetal position, just sobbing with sadness and grief and just trying to figure out what I was going to do with life. And I had this very random download and I call it a Godwink that, and the voice said, you're going to be fine because you know how to manage your money. And it was very random, I wasn't thinking about the financial piece of it. I was just thinking about my son and just being a mom and just the sadness of loss and everything else. And I remember coming out of the fog, you know, much, much later, many, many months later, thinking I'm going to somehow turn this around and, and teach these women, you know, how to manage money and how to get comfortable with money. And, you know, kind of fast forward through my many years as a mortgage advisor, then a financial advisor, I heard very similar stories from women who were just very fearful, very overwhelmed. This wasn't their strong suit. And I knew I wanted to somehow change that. So I left my role as a financial advisor. Some people think I was crazy and left that role to coach. And it was really because I had heard so many times from so many women, it was just one of these topics that they weren't comfortable with. And I wanted to be a bigger piece of that movement and that healing. And I couldn't do the amount of that as a financial advisor. So I made that pivot as a big leap of faith. J Rosemarie (04:39.722) Yes, yes, thank you. And I wanna ask one more question about that simply because I went through a messy divorce 20 years ago. I'm still feeling the financial ramifications of that now. So I like to kind of dig into this a little bit. What's the biggest challenge you think divorced mom's face, solo mom's face, especially during the divorce that Patti Handy (04:52.083)

Mm. Patti Handy (04:56.333) Sure. J Rosemarie (05:09.146) hinders them from making wiser decisions in that moment, you know, during the negotiations and whatnot. What can you talk about on that? Patti Handy (05:11.167) Yeah.

Patti Handy (05:22.717) Yeah, well, during the negotiations, if you're actually in the middle of a divorce and still negotiating with the attorneys and whatnot, it's a very highly, obviously, emotional place. And it's really hard to make a good decision from a very highly emotional place. So my recommendation is to step back, take a breath, make sure that what you're being offered, make sure that everything that is being suggested that you end up with is fair. I have unfortunately seen many, you know, J Rosemarie (05:31.466)

Mm-hmm. Patti Handy (05:52.501) situations where the wife did not get what she deserved, and it was very unfortunate. And so if you can, you know, step back, have a trusted friend, partner, advisor work with you and examine the situation. I would also suggest speaking to a CDFA, which is a certified divorce financial analyst, and they are an independent, like they're a financial advisor, but they have that specialty in that designation with divorce. And they'll look at the situation. They'll look at what you're being offered and determine whether that makes sense for you and if that's fair. And then once the divorce is over, if you're kind of post-divorce and you now have your assets, take your time. Don't feel like you have to rush into doing something and invest in something because you've got to do something. Because again, you're in an emotional place. You're very raw, you're very vulnerable. And unfortunately, you know, there's... people out there who sell products and different services that may or may not make sense for you. So until you can truly, truly understand the product that you're being sold or the service you're being sold, don't dive into something unless you absolutely know 100% what it all means. There's a lot of products out there that are very confusing. There's a lot of moving parts. And so unless you know all the nuances, and I have always said, if you can turn around and teach it to a fourth grader, then that's good. That means you understand it, but if you can't, then you probably shouldn't invest in that at that moment in time. And that doesn't mean that it's a bad product or a bad investment, it just means that you don't understand it completely enough to invest in it. So until that time happens, just sit back and wait, give yourself some grace, allow yourself time to learn about the finances. And even as much as I knew about money and finances and investing, I made some mistakes. I mean, it was just... You come from a place of desperation. You come from a place of wanting to catch up financially and you make these decisions and you just live and learn. You don't beat yourself up over it. You just go, okay, well, that was a bad thing to do and I move on. J Rosemarie (07:52.578)

Yeah. J Rosemarie (07:58.847) All right, got you. Okay, thank you. So, women and money. Give a solo mom one or two tips. I give you leverage with this.

to start where they are for now with the money thing. So expand on what a solo mom could do in their current situation. Patti Handy (08:28.753) Okay, sure. I used an analogy recently. I did a social post and it was, it's tied to your question, so I'll share it here. If I were to blindfold you and drop you in the middle of the country and took away your phone, I took away maps and no GPS, and I took the blindfold off and I said, okay, now get home. The first question out of your mouth should be, well, where am I? Right? You have no idea how to get home until you know where you're at. And then you can have a plan J Rosemarie (08:55.459) All right. Patti Handy (08:58.277) the directions to get home. So it's very similar in this situation. It's like, okay, so these solo moms who are now at this place and they're not sure what to do next, take a very good inventory of where you are today. So by that, I mean, document every asset, every liability that you have. So that's gonna determine what your net worth is. And so you list your home. If you have a home, list all your retirement accounts, your investments. anything that you have in terms of assets. I would leave a car out, although it's an asset, you're not gonna sell that because you need that to get around. And then your liabilities. So any debts that you have against the home or credit card debts or anything else you have going on, that is all part of your liability. And the difference between the two is your net worth. And then I would take a really good look at what you have coming in and going out in terms of cashflow. So all the money you have coming in, whether it's from... employment, social security, a pension, rental income, whatever it might be, and then look at what you have going out. So you've got to really have a good understanding of what your monthly nut is, just living your house, paying for your house, paying for your rent, paying for utilities and food and all the stuff that goes along with it. So what is the monthly nut to run your lifestyle? And what that looks like is that...Are you upside down? Is there a negative to that number? Is there a positive to that number? Are you positive cash flowing? So once you have that understanding of, okay, I've got this coming in, this going out, then I have a picture of where I am today. And then you can look at where you wanna go by when, and then make a plan of attack to get there. So whether that's paying off credit card debt, whether that's adding to investing, whether that's, you know. creating a side hustle to bring in more money. I mean, every situation is gonna be different, but that's kind of the foundation that I recommend people do to just really get a good picture as to where they are today. J Rosemarie (10:59.898) Okay, all right, I appreciate that. And tell us what you do specifically for your clients and how we can get in touch with you. Patti Handy (11:12.365) Sure, well, there's a couple ways to work with me. I do one-on-one private coaching, which is a great way to get started with your personal situation. And we go deep into your needs. It's a combination of financial education, financial coaching, and also life coaching. I'm a certified executive coach and certified life coach as well. And although I'm just gonna sidestep this for one moment, although some of these credentials that I'm sharing is nice, I've experienced, but... Honestly, just living life as a solo mom for so many years, for almost what, 25, 26 years, I guess now, I'd lost count. That experience, just going through life on my own and the lessons I've learned and the painful mistakes that I've made along the way, that's what's taught me the most, honestly. And it's a combination of resilience and it's just a deeper faith and just there's many nuances to that. So...one-on-one coaching is one way to work with me. I have an online program, it's called Minding Her Money, and all that is at my website, pattyhandy.com. So it's Patty with an I, P-A-T-T-I-H-A-N-D-Y. And you can see the various ways to work with me. There's a free download, there's a free roadmap that I would recommend you download, and that's kind of the roadmap that I would suggest that once you have that, we talked about where you are now. Download that roadmap and those are the steps that you should be focused on in terms of getting to where you want to be. And then if you want to, there's a short training there as well. But once you do that, and there's an opportunity, if you want to book a call with me, I do offer a complimentary 30 minute discovery call where I can learn more about you and see how I can serve. J Rosemarie (12:56.994) Okay, pretty cool, thank you. So I'm gonna bother you now. So tell us the biggest financial mistake you made as a divorcee, solo mom, you know. And I guess it's a little, might be a little difference because you were in the industry, but tell us anyway, if you can share it with us. And what you did, what are moment? Patti Handy (13:01.641) Okay. J Rosemarie (13:24.959) um, gave you wisdom to move forward, move on from that mistake. Patti Handy (13:30.829) So the biggest mistake I would probably say is making investment decisions in an emotional place and in a place of fear. If you are coming from a place of fear, you're not gonna make the best decisions. So the investment decisions that I made in that place turned out to be not the best in my best interest. And... I didn't completely understand some of the nuances of what I was getting into. And that was a cardinal sin. I mean, that's why I teach that right now. It's like, don't do something unless you know 100% of what you're doing. And some of the things I did, it was just unfortunate timing. I purchased a second home in 06 when the market was at its high. And then it completely crashed in 08, 09. And that wasn't any, that was just an unfortunate situation with the market. But. I think the thing that I learned from all those mistakes is that I was doing my best with what I had at the time and I don't fault myself. I got off the train of judgment and I just decided that it was better to give myself grace and know that my most valuable life lessons are on the other side of painful experiences. We have to just remember that we are always going through, you know, different cycles of life and different seasons of life. And, you know, if money and investing isn't your strong suit, or you've done some things in the past that, you know, were mistakes, you know, it's okay. You know, we weren't taught that, generally speaking. We don't learn it in school and oftentimes not at home. So there's, you know, no reason to beat yourself up over it. Just pick yourself up and move forward. So... That's what I did. It was painful, uncomfortable, costly. I lost a lot of money. And it was, it sucked. At the end of the day, it really did. But you just gotta move on. You just gotta move on. J Rosemarie (15:35.358) Yeah. Yes, sure. Thank you. Can you explain to me what, what it means? I hear it a lot. I've had a guest here with it and I kind of understand it, but I want to hear it from a professional. What does it mean to have a money mindset? Patti Handy (15:55.853) Oh, great question. That's my favorite topic. In fact, one of the modules in my program is about money mindset. So it's really about how you view money and your relationship with money. And if you come from a place of lack and scarcity and fear, or do you come from a place of abundance and possibilities and opportunities? I have certainly shifted over my years as I've learned more about this, because I was in a place of lack and scarcity. And without getting into the weeds, because this can be a three hour conversation, from birth to eight years old, we were a sponge. We absorbed everything that we heard. So if we heard our parents speak, our grandparents, our teachers, our coaches, whoever it was, we heard what they said. And if they were speaking from a place of fear or lack or scarcity, if you heard, hey, we don't have that kind of money, what do you think we're rich? Or money doesn't grow on trees, or we can't afford that. That's all coming from a place of scarcity, right? So that's in your subconscious mind now programming, that's your tape recorder that's programmed into your subconscious mind. So what happens is our belief system is originated from those limiting beliefs that we learned very young. And we then have these thoughts surrounded around those beliefs, which then create actions in our life, which creates the results. So 95% of our reality today, our external reality today is...based on our subconscious mind, which we don't even know is happening. It's that, again, that subconscious programming, that tape recorder that's playing. So that mindset is, I mean, there's an internal thermostat. We have a place in our life that we're comfortable with, that's familiar, and that's why you hear a lot of winners. They come into millions and it's outside their set point. And so they find subconsciously, they don't consciously go, oh, I'm not comfortable with this much money. I'm gonna blow it. They don't do that. But subconsciously, they self-sabotage and they somehow end up back where they were in a very short period of time. I think it's like 75% of lottery winners are back to where they were after a year or two. So yeah, again, that conversation is so important and so instrumental because at the end of the day, I can teach you how to... Patti Handy (18:14.973) manage your money, I can teach you the mechanics of money, I can teach you the mechanics of what a mutual fund is and what is a Roth versus an IRA, and all those things are just mechanics of money. But if you don't have this money mindset down and you don't have this awareness and the tools to sort of relearn and change that, you're gonna still continue to hit your head against the wall. So that's a very, very important conversation. J Rosemarie (18:43.986) Yeah, makes sense. Thank you. Thank you, Patty Handy for coming and speaking to us today. I really appreciate you. Can you give a solo mom one piece of advice? Any advice? Patti Handy (18:56.669) Any advice? I would say make sure that at the top of your list is you. Taking care of you, self-care. We can't give to others that we don't have ourselves. So if we are, you know, stretched and spent and exhausted and frustrated, we can't give to our loved ones, you know, what we want to give. And so take the time, find the time, make the time. for yourself, whether it's 15 minutes of a walk, 10 minute meditation, prayer, talking to a friend, finding a fun activity that you enjoy. It might require you to get up an hour earlier. You set your alarm for an hour earlier and you just, that quiet time in the morning is just yours. And exercise, that's super important for me and for everybody. Just eating well, just again, taking care of yourself. And this is gonna sound very random, but Go get a physical. Go to the doctor and just clear your mind that you are healthy. Get all your tests, get all your annual tests done, all that stuff so that you know that you are healthy and that you are strong and now you just need to take care of yourself to rebuild yourself back up. And that all sort of parlays into your, not just your physical health, but your mental, emotional health, and then it parlays into your financial health. It all kind of ripples out. J Rosemarie (20:19.07) Yes. All right. Thank you very much. I appreciate you. Anything else? Patti Handy (20:24.973) Of course. Uh, no, I would just, um, you know, invite people to make sure that you, um, you know, if you are seeking advice, um, probably stay offline because there's so much noise online and just find someone that you trust, whether it's a financial advisor that you know, or a friend that you know, that you trust, that you like, um, there's so many great books out there that you can learn. If you want to learn about, you know, finance and investing. Um, there's a lot of great books. If you want to learn about money mindset, if you want to learn. the subconscious and that topic. I'm happy to chat with anybody here and again, feel free to visit my website, download that roadmap and any questions I can answer, I'm happy to and follow me on social. I'm always posting different things on social media. J Rosemarie (21:17.23) Okay, thank you, Patty. I appreciate you. Patti Handy (21:19.957) Thank you so much, it was wonderful being here. J Rosemarie (21:22.518) My pleasure.