One Mom's Transformative Journey of Self-Discovery and Growth w/Michelle DeKyser

J. Rosemarie: 0:00

Tired, weary, frustrated. What would you be doing if you weren't raising children alone? What's stopping you from living your best life? Now, on Solar Mom's talk, I discuss with solar mothers the challenges you face raising children alone. So if you're a working solar mom dealing with independent children, insensitive bosses, weight and health issues or even debt collectors, join us as we discover your path to get and stay healthy, increase your income and live with joy and purpose. My guest today is Michelle DeKeyser, a mom of three kids and wife. Welcome, Michelle. Michelle DeKeyser: 1:06

Thank you so much for having me today. I'm so excited to be here. J. Rosemarie: 1:09 Sure, I'm very happy to have you. Okay, before we get into what you do, could you tell us who is Michelle DeKaiser? Michelle DeKeyser: 1:19 Wow, I know you get that question on time all of a sudden like you go blank, but what I am is what I feel like. I've always lately defined myself as a mom, but I think what I'm trying to pull back from a little bit and figure out who I am again. That's part of where my mission came in in creating this Connecting Mamas, and that's who I'm becoming more is branching out and discovering what lights me up. Again, some of the things that lights me up is helping other moms, feeling that we are more than just moms, and so that's where I started Connecting Mamas, because I felt stuck. I love my family, I love my kids, I love my husband, but I want it more. I want it something for me, something that lit me up. So that's where I come to you today. Is that? That's the connection that I want to bring to other moms and who I feel I am right now is that connector? doing that, and that's what really lights me up right now. J. Rosemarie: 2:14 Okay, thank you for sharing that. It's an easy task to get ourselves lost in everybody else's lives and lose ourselves right. Michelle DeKeyser: 2:26 And then say we have no time for it, we don't have, we don't, or even that we have that feeling like we don't deserve it. Like our role is to make sure everyone else is happy, right? That's not the case. I think once we start to find that light and realize that we're fulfilling ourselves, we make more connections, and I feel like I've been doing that with my kids as well. J. Rosemarie: 2:43 Yes, yes, yeah, okay, all right. So now that we got that out of the way, how can we, as moms, build better connections? First, with ourselves. Michelle DeKeyser: 3:00 And that's where the problem starts is because we got so lost in what everyone else is doing. All of a sudden, we have that voice in our head saying I don't have time for that, I don't deserve this, I'm too busy, and it's. How do we set that voice? Well, it starts by we need baby steps. So it starts by asking the one question what is one thing I can do that I am going to enjoy today, just looking at those 10 minute increments and saying, just picking that out, because once we start that curiosity going, then we'll start to see more. But it's such a, it's baby steps, right, and what it's going to take because we're so have that those thought process going on it's going to take time too, but we just start by asking us that question, right? What we're going to do today that I am going to enjoy. J. Rosemarie: 3:50

Okay, all right, I appreciate that, but before we can take action and we have to realize that, yeah, it's our responsibility to take action so do you have any insight? And on what could trigger us to Shift that mindset from my mom I got to get everybody else and you know I feel guilty if I take care of myself. So can you help us on that mindset shift? Michelle DeKeyser: 4:22 Well, I think it's first about recognizing it first, which might be the hardest part. Like you're just so busy, you don't even notice it, you're just. But for me that recognition came in when I, my kids, got a little bit older, in terms that they could start doing more for themselves Also, and I had like these small pockets of time. But then I looked at myself when I had these small pockets of moms. Look at yourself. Do you have like 10 minutes? All of a sudden you're like what do I do with myself? And you're not sure. When you're in that feeling of unsure, that's the time when it's that you're ready to work on that mindset. Right, you want to. You just you don't know what to do or where to go. And that's when I start searching like what I could do, and then that's when we can start asking the questions. But it's at first just that recognizing that I do want that shift, because I just was like I have the heaviest few moments. I mean it's not a lot, not gonna. You know we we do have a lot going on, but in those moments what do you want to do with your time? And that's where the shift starts is recognizing it. J. Rosemarie: 5:22 Okay, so it's not normal that Thinking for us as mom, it should be, but it's not. What was your aha moment? Michelle DeKeyser: 5:33 My aha moment just came all of a sudden. I think it was partly COVID, partly that we weren't sure what we're in if you're gonna homeschool the kids or we're gonna send them back to school. Eventually we did a homeschool them for the year, but so was on that day of homeschooling that I also decided that I wanted to do something for myself. Knowing I was going into this year of homeschooling them, I decided to join a program called the 75 hard. And I just knew I didn't know why I was doing it or what. And my husband looked at me. You know that, look, you get from your husband or from someone else and they're just like, really, you're gonna do that. It's just me, one of those programs You're just gonna not do, you're not gonna complete. And it was 75 days in a row and also in the day start ticking off. And he looked at me Goes, you're doing this, like yeah. I'm going to finish and they end during the full year long, including the three phases. But it was that I finally decided that I want to do something for myself and it was that motivation that kept me going, because it wasn't it wasn't that I needed to do it or that I had to is something that I felt Inside for myself, and I think that's where it starts is find the right thing that actually feels like you're doing it for you, not because you think you should, not because someone else is oh, this is a great program, it's really worked for me. Right, this program might not work for someone else and it's. It's that exploration, that curiosity like oh, that might work for me. J. Rosemarie: 6:52 Okay. So exploring that pro, that program, actually Got you aware that you actually needed to do something to do you really, to do me. Yeah, okay, all right, thank you. So I have more questions for you, but I have to look them up, I'm sorry. Thankfully it's a podcast. I'm making an edit it. Right, that's good. Right, okay, all right. So I was reading a bio and you said, um, you were doing your job as a stay at home and you felt guilty spending money on yourself and you also felt that you didn't have the time or the energy to spend on self care. Now, what is self care and what does that look like for you. Michelle DeKeyser: 7:50

Honestly right now, the more I've been speaking with others and learning about it, I feel like self care is a very big buzzword right now and it actually feels kind of almost repulsive, in terms of just the word itself, sometimes like we've been using it so much. But what we're really just looking at is, again looking at that question what can I do for myself that is going to help me grow? Because ultimately, we feel when we're moving forward or growing in some way, then we start to light up a little bit more. And so what kind of growth do you, as a mom, want to do? Is reading something you like doing? Is writing your thoughts down something you like doing? And it's exploring those questions of how do you want to grow as a person and asking yourself that question and exploring some of the different options. So you could do journaling, you could do reading, you could listen to podcasts I mean, there's so many varieties that it's almost overwhelming but just being exploring. Do I like ask yourself, do I like listening to stuff? Better, go for the audiobooks, go for the podcasts. Do I like as in folding laundry, but I'd rather listen to something? Or would I want to watch something? There's so many you could then go to the YouTube versions of the videos or things, but what is it that you want to learn? Are you wanting to learn photography? Are you wanting to learn drawing, like something that you want to grow as a person is really going to help with that. J. Rosemarie: 9:11 Right, yes, and I understand that self-care is has become a buzzword, but it's reality, yeah. Just because we overuse it doesn't mean it's not, it's not useful, oh, no, it's not, yeah. So I hope you know, I hope we still embrace it, especially moms, because if this was a man thing or a dad thing, nobody would say it's overuse. No, it's not, it's not, it's not true. Michelle DeKeyser: 9:40 I love that perspective. Thank you for putting in those words. That is so true Because, as women, we like put those stuff under, and that's me making that judgment right now and it's trying to release that and we do need to care. And you know, what also I want to mention about self-care too is sometimes it's just having those conversations with other moms or other women, yes, and, and opening up and having asking for help also is a great form of self-care. That is sometimes the hardest for us. J. Rosemarie: 10:09 Yes. Michelle DeKeyser: 10:09 And just saying because people might not realize that you need help, right? So think about it when you, when someone asks you for help, how do you respond? And you almost feel sometimes like, oh, I'm so glad they asked, I had no idea, you just have to do that. Think about that the other way, because that is one that gray, self cares and brings connection between you and that other person as well. Yes, that's ultimately what we're looking for.

J. Rosemarie: 10:33 Right, exactly. And speaking of asking for help, you talk about connections and building connections, and that's one of the things, especially solo moms, where we sometimes feel isolated because we just bury it in raising kids, right. But we also know that maybe that's just a mindset thing, right? So how can we better create a wider space a wider, the word I'm looking for is room for other people in our lives, other than our kids or the co-parent, to build those connections that we actually need. Michelle DeKeyser: 11:25 That's such a great question. I love it so much and it's really coming down to the intentionality of it. Is making that intention that we want that and that we're going forward with it? Because I mean, we do, especially as moms. We need to put that into the calendar and even if we have to reschedule it, it's more likely to happen because it was in the calendar than the first place. So it's finding that one or two other people that you want to make that commitment to and saying we're going to do Monday nights or we're going to do once a month and putting it into the calendar, and that's really with the way we operate. We really need that intentionality and that time that we are going to put in it. And when that day comes and you're like, oh so tired, I don't want to go, I know I really should go and you have those sheds in your head, give yourself a note or a voice message or something beforehand going. I felt so much better after I went. Just get your clothes on and just get out the door or, better yet, invite them over to your house. Who cares what your house looks like? Have a cozy night with some other people and do some connection, so send that message to yourself. There's also the futuremeorg. Send yourself a letter that day of the evening, no morning. Send yourself an email going just invite them over If you don't feel like going out. Don't cancel, though. Find a way that makes it work for you to get that connection. J. Rosemarie: 12:45 Because you don't need it. Yes, that's true, and then that is so. I like that. You say that. Remind yourself. I do it with friends and I do it with podcasting. So I don't want to talk to anybody today because I don't feel like it, I'm not in the mood, and you do it. You go through the action. You meet with a friend and then you're like, oh my god, I feel so good. You learned something you didn't think you would learn, or meet somebody you didn't think you would meet. So, yes, thank you for that.

Michelle DeKeyser: 13:17 And the other you'd rather with meeting other people too. A lot of times when you feel like the loneliness is everywhere, you hear this thing like you should go join these new organizations. It's a great way to meet people. Babysuppstour is that, rather, is to say you're in the line for your coffee or something, to actually try to make a conversation with someone around you, just a little bit more than you might have done before, or just that effort, effort of a sentence or two longer will give you that confidence and that habit we're building, because that getting used to it and being able to do that is a learned behavior. So if we just keep slowly creating that habit towards connecting with others, it becomes easier and you never know what's going to happen from that interaction. J. Rosemarie: 14:02 That's true, yeah, absolutely, thank you, get out of our heads, all right. Michelle DeKeyser: 14:08 Just one or two extra sentences. J. Rosemarie: 14:11 Thank you very much for that. Ok, tell us about the truth. Tell us the truth about motherhood and loneliness While we're on that topic. Michelle DeKeyser: 14:25 Well, the truth is it is really lonely, right. I mean, we've all felt that because especially when I've noticed there's even when I've done say I go to a mom's book club or a mom's group like you have this great camaraderie in that moment the next day, like the kids are upset, like you, just like, who do I reach out to? And that's where the struggle comes in. It's not necessary that you, if you haven't created those connections where it's someone that you can call in the midst of everything or text or whatever it is, that's where the loneliness builds up. And then you go on your Facebook and you're like, oh, everyone else has someone, why don't I? But that's probably not true that everyone else has this and we have. We always put our best alpha on Facebook or whatever social media, not the reality of it all, and so, but it's those baby steps that we're taking towards. Okay, well, I really do need to reach out to someone. Like who let me go through my who could I reach out to? And just saying sending that SOS sometimes, but that's the hardest part is when we feel in that isolation is like we don't want to do that, and it's almost recognizing that we need to do that and that others are probably feeling the same way we do and someone else reaches out to them. True, thank you. One has to take the first step, though. J. Rosemarie: 15:42 Yes, yes, for sure. All right, thank you. So what is Michelle grateful for today? Michelle DeKeyser: 15:50 Oh well, first I'm grateful for you having me on here, but what I'm really grateful for was the weekend that I had with my kids. This weekend, my son and I were working really hard trying to get our black belts and so on Saturday we did our testing and we both earned our black belts together Awesome. It was just the connection of it all and doing it with him, because I was a little bit behind him and belt level, but he didn't want to test without me and I didn't want to hold him back, but I just it was something I wanted to do with him. So I like pushed myself to achieve that with him and that was really special. So I'm really grateful that we were able to do that together. J. Rosemarie: 16:25

Oh, that's awesome. Congratulations, wow. So you can kick my butt. I mean, you could probably anyway. Michelle DeKeyser: 16:32 But I haven't really done the sparring but I can do a good kick and I am getting good on my forms getting there. It's all work in progress, right. J. Rosemarie: 16:40 Yes, yes, that's awesome. Michelle DeKeyser: 16:42 The best part was just that I was doing it with them, and my daughter my younger daughter still does it with us as well. She just wasn't at the black belt level, but it's just doing it together is what I did for in the process of that and yeah, that's pretty awesome.

J. Rosemarie: 16:59 Yeah, I'm proud of you. Yes, thank you. It was a lot of work. Okay, so tell us, so tell me, about your work, what you do and how we could get in touch with you and how you can help us. Michelle DeKeyser: 17:17

So I created Connecting Mamas, and what Connecting Mamas is is the way to bring moms together. So I'm offering right now a six week course, starting up in January again, and it'll be offered different times throughout the year. But what the course really is is we go through the check-in process and it's going through the C is for a curiosity, h is for honesty, e is for expectation, k is for keep listening I'm sorry, connection then, keep listening, and intentional now, but what it really is is my whole goal is that I want to bring moms together, and so when we get to that second C of connection, we are in a Zoom room, but I want to provide you with that group kind of almost matchmake the moms so that by the end of the six week course, they are able to take that group with them, so you're no longer wondering who am I going to reach out to, who is going to be my accountability partner? That's part of what I want to provide for you. I just want to create the circles and the connection, and what's really inspiring was Dr Bolian has talked about she's talked about a million circles, and so in Believa's 2017, the Dalai Lama said the Western woman is going to change the perspective, like we're going to change that paradigm, and so her interpretation of that was with these a million women circles this met I mean metaphorical number at some point we're going to have that tipping point because we're working together. So my whole thing is to help with that mission as well and make help mom circles so that we can come together and collaborate and learn and grow, and so I want to provide that structure working with yourselves, but then also be open and honest with some other moms along. Have that. It's all about the baby steps. It's vulnerability is not easy, but it's that process, and so this is your place to have, do it in a safe space and then to be able to take it with you. As you keep practicing it, you start to learn who should I be vulnerable with? How am I going to do it? You do not need to be vulnerable with everybody, but you do need to be vulnerable with somebody you need to get that stuff off of you and picking the right people to do that with. So I want to create that space for it. But for your audience, I want to offer the mini course, which is free. If you just go to connectingmamascom and click the free course, it just takes you through the check-in process for yourself and you can get a taste for the different letters and it gives you an activity for each to start checking in with yourselves and then learning how to check in with people around you. J. Rosemarie: 19:42 Okay, and that's www.connectingmamascom. Yes, we'll put that in the show notes, thank you. Thank you for sharing. Yeah, and are you on Instagram? Michelle DeKeyser: 19:52 I am on Instagram as Mama Connector and I'm on YouTube also connecting mamas. Okay, maybe all the links when the show notes as well, right? J. Rosemarie: 20:00 Okay, cool, all right. Michelle DeKeyser: 20:02

So before I let you go, give us one piece of advice for a solo mom, for a solo mom it's really thinking about and not and making that first step to reach out to another mom, especially a solo mom, sticking together because you need each other and their other mom on the other end is probably thinking I wish someone reached out, just like you're thinking. So just take that step and start making your own circle and bring each other together and make your own chat, and it's so much better when we do motherhood together.

J. Rosemarie: 20:36 Yes, yes, definitely great advice. Thank you very much, Michelle. Do you take keys? Never mind, I'm just awful at this. Thank you very much, michelle, for coming and talking.